How's it goin' folks? So today I want to talk a little bit about synchronicity. More specifically, those times when EVERYTHING goes wrong, all at once... ever had that? It's like you're going along your merry way in life and then BAM! Just like that, good ol' Murphy's Law kicks in and before you know what's even happening, you're up to your ears in problems. I had such a day like that today, and while it may seem like a disconnected blog for the title I have given it, you will soon see just how well it fits. The thing is, everything we experience in life is a DIRECT result of how we perceive the world. More than that, the situations we end up in are a by-product of who we have been or, who we are. It is impossible to go through life without creating the path you step on, because the path changes as you change, or stays the same if you decide to do nothing. On a day like today, I could see this unfolding before my very eyes. I'm new at my position at work, a lot of what I'm doing I have to learn on the fly because I haven't had any training (didn't think I needed any! lol), and so, with such an "on-the-fly" way of working, I found myself bogged down with problems, mostly stemming from the fact that I didn't know how to do one particular thing, and because of that, EVERYTHING that followed was fucked. Now, I work outside, strange as that may seem. I mean, it's 2013 for crying out loud! How can it be that we've come this far as a species and still some of us work outside? Of course, I could always get an indoor job, and after today, that definitely appeals to me. You see, as the problems kept accumulating, the SNOW began to pile on top of our job site. A blizzard in April! It just seemed to fit. I mean, it was like "Well, why not? Everything else is fucked up, why not the weather?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the weather, nor am I blaming anything, to be honest. I'm pointing out that everything is connected. Wherever we are in life, whatever our journey, things are bound to happen to us. It is my understanding, however, that these things arise BECAUSE of us, where we are in our journey, and arise for our direct benefit. We can only grow and develop if we know the areas we need to work on. A gentle nudge from the universe, like the one I experienced today, is the most common manifestation of this. The more we wish to progress, the more obvious it will be what we need to get better at. The more we accept the situations as helpful, the faster we can grow. So you see, we are creating the world we live in, right down to the very weather we experience. It's all connected in some cosmic way that I don't even care to understand, I just know it is.
Listen to this while you read to understand what I'm getting at:
Long ago, there was a bird who lived to fly the skies.
It awoke every morning to the fire of the sun, And took to flight.
All the animals throughout the kingdom Envied it so, and one day The stork killed the Phoenix With his saber-like bill.
Five days went by Before the monsoon rains descended Upon the burial site Where that mighty bird lay. After an hour,
The ground began to glow With the light of resurrection, And the Phoenix, Clothed in fire, Emerged from the underworld to soar the heavens.
As it passed stars, comets, nebulae, and Eventually, Time itself, It became the focal point of inspiration.
The great bird bowed it's head And looked within; Upon seeing it's own greatness, The Phoenix exploded And it's flames scattered throughout the unborn.
It is said that whenever one embraces their destiny, They are but the Phoenix returning to itself, To fly once more.
I took her to the mall After the disappointment of a froze-over skating rink. She had stars in her eyes that never died.
We walked along the street through the white multitude as it descended and she smiled at the millions of flakes as they moved here and there, not knowing where to set down.
The wind blew cold truth through the air. She had lost the fight. I could tell she wasn't proud of it, But she was tranquil just the same.
We turned a corner To a lake That overlooked the black wall of snow Coming towards the city in the distance. Like the rink, The lake was totally frozen, So we sat on the edge of it. She slumped into my shoulder and breathed a tearful sigh. The wind blew cold truth through the air. I held her close and kissed her head, resting mine on hers. The snow came down on top of us, And the world slipped beneath the waves of night. For that last moment I looked at her, And she smiled.
How many times have you had a feeling or intuition that needed
itching? Like a secret desire you needed to satisfy? I know I have.
For
me, this comes in the form of looking for a movie with a plot or theme
that matches what I feel. I have this urge to find something that
matches my internal state, and I proceed to search in the hopes of
finding it. I do assume this is much like a drug user who seeks a fix.
He feels a certain way inside and then begins to crave a substance that
will compliment the feeling. Much study has been made into addictions
such as that and it has been shown that what is really going on is the
addict is missing something in their own life experience, so they turn
to the drug to fill the gaping hole in themselves. Now,
most of us draw the line at drugs or perhaps smoking or overeating, but
my latest realization is that when we feel these urges that seemingly
NEED to be coupled with an external thing (be it a drug or a movie),
this is in fact our creative mind trying to tell us we have something to
share with the world. I can not tell you the number of
times I've had this feeling and looked desperately for a movie or song
that would give me back the essence I felt leaking from my soul but couldn't
find it. It was as if I knew exactly what I wanted the movie to be about
or the song to feel like and yet couldn't find one that delivered on my
wants, and I couldn't find one ANYWHERE, no matter how hard I looked. It wasn't till a few weeks ago that I realized what was happening. Think of it like this: Your unconscious mind has an idea, and it wants to share it with the world. The Ego then steps in and says "Wait a minute! I think that's been done already." to which the unconscious replies "You think you can find something as good as this? Go ahead, show me!" and then we proceed to look for something that fits EXACTLY what we're looking for. However, because the issue is now in the hands of the Ego, we get frustrated when we cannot find what we're looking for (because the Ego hates to be wrong) and more often than not, we simply curse the outside world for not having what we want. When really, if we just took a step back, we'd know we had the answer all along. Imagine, if you will, you're decorating your house. You call an interior designer and they show you the different decorating schemes their company does. As you look through the pictures, you notice they don't have what you want. You get frustrated and either settle on a design that's kinda like what you wanted, or you let them go and try to find another interior designer who's vision is more in line with your own. My suggestion is this: Hire an interior designer who does CUSTOM work, and then you can tell them EXACTLY what you want, which is all you're trying to do anyhow.
Bob Dylan, is another example. When asked how he was able to make such good songs, he simply replied "I make songs that I want to listen to." I believe that every artist recognizes, at least to some degree, that their desire to see something, feel something, or experience something, can only be satisfied by their own internal creativity. Therefore, if we recognize this creative burst the next time we feel it, instead of looking outward for what we desire, if we proceed to create it, I believe our artistic expression will be revealed as the source, for it is what will be satisfied many times over. Art, I believe, is life. My cousin once said that "If you're not making art, you're not living." and I believe it's true. If we look at the way most people think about living today, it's experiencing things. Sky diving, traveling the world, and things like that. We are chronically drawn to outward things, giving them great praise, importance, or status, without ever considering ourselves as worthy of the same. Even the most spectacular building was once an idea in an architect's head. So, too, do each and every one of us have such well-springs waiting to be discovered.
So, we live in a world that is supercharged with social importance. What I mean by this is that we have to be SUPER careful not to offend people; not to step on toes, that is, if we expect to get anywhere in our careers or make good impressions on others. It seems to me that our entire "public" existence is mostly a front;the 'acceptable' mask we wear to reap the benefits of social connectedness. With such pressure, it's no wonder groups are popping up all over the place pushing for acceptance and tolerance.
This is all well and good, but if we're going to wait for society to change to fit our specific needs, well, let's just say we'll probably be waiting a very long time. It is my opinion thatwe need to learn to be able to bathe in our hidden desires, obsessions, guilty pleasures, but above all, our passion in life, and we need to be able to do this without waiting for others to allow us or someone to say "it's ok now".
This isn't anything as trivial as eating chocolate when we know we shouldn't, or drinking even when we know we have to work the next day, those are the band-aids we place on the gaping wound of self-denial. What I am talking about is PASSION, with a capital "P". Find that thing that you not only enjoy doing, but that you LOVE to experience. That thing that adds meaning to your existence (and that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else;that's a good sign actually.). It is essential to our sanity and self-esteem to be able to indulge the parts of ourselves that have no place in society. If we want to feel whole and loved, we have to embrace every aspect of our personality. For me, this is writing or, more specifically, dwelling on an obsession of mine. Most of the time this is some movie, or actress's amazing character portrayal. I use my artistic sense to write poems and make playlists (as seen in this post) that deepen the meaning I've found in them like a collage of metaphor; and I absolutely love this. There isn't much else I'd rather do than sit in my obsession and experience the feelings, thoughts, and epiphanies over and over again. After a while, the significance settles, and it's on to the next thing. I find this exertion and creation for my inner desires frees up a LOT of energy. I feel lighter, more in touch with myself and other people, and all it takes is a healthy dose of selfishness and isolation.
Eventually, we should all strive to align our passion with our careers and lives so that such exercises are unnecessary, actually exercising our passion everywhere we go, BUT, for now, this is a good first step.
So, I've finally completed my playlist "Boys Don't Cry" inspired by the movie of the same name.I recommend you watch the movie before listening to my list. The effect of the music without the film will be different, and so will the effect of my playlist. There will be spoilers in this post as well, so do yourself a favor and watch the movie then come back once you have.
Now for some background: it was because of Hilary Swank's outstanding performance in "Million Dollar Baby" (for which she won her second Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role) that led me to seek out her other films. It wasn't long before I discovered that she won her First Oscar for a Leading Role because of her amazing portrayal of Teena Brandon in the movie "Boys Don't Cry". Upon watching the film, I was awestruck, and sat dumbfounded on the couch as the credits rolled. The movie is simply perfect in every aspect of the word. What struck me most, however, was the complete sense of destiny the movie inspired. Not destiny in the sense that it's usually used (if we follow our hearts, everything will be ok, yadda yadda) what it really embodied was the total realism of what a life is. It's the choices we make, the mentality we have, and everything about us. Life is a product of ourselves. More correctly: OUR life is a product of ourselves. It's a product of what we do, who we interact with, and what we choose for ourselves. This, the movie represented in perfect harmony.
I became obsessed with the film over the next few days, and watched it a total of 3 more times in 2 weeks. Soon, what was resonating with me beyond the story, the acting, and the feeling of the film, was the music- The method used by director Kimberly Peirce to tie the characters and situations together, and I must say she did an excellent job. The songs in "Boys Don't Cry" seem to simultaneously be attributed to the situations or characters in the story while also being a product of them. It's as if the music created itself while the characters lived out certain situations, but it emerged for them while also only emerging because of them. A singular point of self-creation that immediately revels and glorifies the reason it was brought into existence.
That is how I experienced the movie, and what was so hard to understand at first. What I did for almost every day during those 2 weeks was listen to the music from the film; I also had a growing feeling inside of me that wanted to express itself. Much like the music emerging from the movie, something inside of me was emerging because of the music, and this familiar feeling was a familiar sign that I was developing an artistic project within me. This time, it was a playlist.
I often create playlists to tell a story. I use the songs as the driving force, and make a story arch or metaphor within them. I'm sure there are many people who do this, and if you are one of them, I'm sure you'll appreciate what satisfaction can come from creating something entirely new and fresh with meaning from things that have established their own meaning already. I like to think of it like grafting plants together.
Now, I knew for certain that I wanted to use a few key songs from the movie (the ones that really captured and drove the film), but I also wanted to add some of my own picks because, to be honest, the playlist felt incomplete when I simply arranged the songs from the film in the order I wanted. It was a prototype, and was shouting for me to complete it. Below is the complete "Boys Don't Cry" playlist and you can click on the songs to listen. Boys Don't Cry: 1. Just What I Needed by The Cars 2. Secret by Madonna 3. Losing My Religion by Nina Persson 4. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder 5. Devil's Got a Gun by Whitehorse 6. The Bluest Eyes in Texas by Nina Persson 7. Boys Don't Cry by The Cure 8. Rebel Rebel by David Bowie
Over the next few days I scoured youtube for the kinds of songs I was looking for. I started with songs I knew well (a safe bet) songs like "Try" by Nellie Furtado. I know for certain I'll use this song in a future playlist, but it didn't fit right for this one. It seemed too hopeless in a lot of ways. If there's a strong feeling I got from "Boys Don't Cry" it was that there is a strong drive in everyone, and this drive has been called love. Love is the pinnacle of the movie. Love in it's sadness, love in it's joy, love in it's hope for the future. So I kept searching, but eventually it became clear to me that the songs I knew well were not going to work. How could familiarity capture the explosion of discovery I had experienced from such a movie? I realized that it couldn't. So I searched for music that was recommended along with the songs that had been in the movie. While doing that I had a sudden epiphany to use Madonna's "Secret". Just listen to it and you'll see, it's simply magical. It's almost like Lana sings it to Brandon. It also has an incredible pace that feels like hypnotism. Eventually, I found "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. and this song seemed to fit very well. It was a kind of celebration of sorts. Very nice and comfortable tune. I was about to include it but then I discovered Nina Persson's cover of the song, and once I heard it, I was mesmerized. She had done the song "The Bluest Eyes in Texas" for the film's soundtrack, so it fit even better. Almost as if the same character from the musical story was singing both of the songs. It was a perfect match.
The next song I found was "Hard Sun" by Eddie Vedder. I've been meaning to add this to a playlist of mine for some time, but haven't been able to find the right one. It's not a song that can play a central role.If anything, it simply clarifies what you're trying to convey. Like the moment where you realize something beautiful, and immediately revel in it's beauty. Much like the music in the movie. I do like this song though, it's like the inner light shining in a world that fears such expression. Maybe even from what people fear in themselves. I think people often see their own inner life as a darkness or something to be ashamed of, so we try to hide it with how we appear outwardly to people, and this was definitely a huge theme in "Boys Don't Cry". The final song I added is called "Devil's Got a Gun" and it's a new one, which didn't fit the time period I was trying to stay in, but it just meshed so well. Aside from how it feels, I love the lyrics. First of all, it follows "Hard Sun" perfectly, second of all, it's speaking of the Shadow ("The Devil" was society's expression of their collective Shadow elements back when religion ran the show).
From there, I had realized the elusive instinct that had been sitting in the back of my mind since I saw the movie.
He walked the path once more, like he had a thousand times before.
The mist of the mountains Sang like the birds it helped fly that morning. Over the breeze, such little things. On a branch, One landed to wish him well and he acknowledged it's presence in awareness only. He turned the corner and saw the sun as it emerged from the fog. This would be the last day of the cycle. Across the sky, A few birds braved. With their chirps of joy, He closed his eyes. He knew each and every step of the way, for he had been this way before.
A caterpillar Had died the night previously, and it's spirit now flew on the wings of a Monarch.
The tide Was massaging the coast, and the man moved with the rhythm of the waves. Each step was known, and he had been coming up this path for the last 50 years of his life. When he fell through the ledge it was with a smile that he did.
It was 1993; was All that was left of me, As she drove from the sun.
That road jumped all over the map And still she kept her face bent From the picture on her dashboard.
Nothing had made sense since he left, But it was clear that he had pushed her away.
She knew only one thing that he had told her "Boys don't cry."
~ Why hadn't he been real?
Left inside of her, he would decay, But without the wings of the Phoenix, None would live, And with that realization She found out that she was actually grateful That boys didn't cry. When she filled up her car at the station And sat inside the diner for a bite to eat, She saw the cars going to the city.
All at once she wanted to scream at them all, They didn't even know what they were going to.
~ Lambs to the slaughter of heartache.
She had bled dry And felt finally the truth: Boys don't cry. In the morning the sun came out of New York city, The dress was worn and her mileage was running high. She smoked her last cigarette, Spent her last dollar, And collapsed, Finally, On a bed that was dry.
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