Law of the Jungle or: Bridging the Gap Between Beast and Man.

Hello all, what's happening? Hope your weekend went well.

Today I'm excited to share a long-time dream of mine. One that I would definitely like to accomplish in my lifetime, and one that I think would be a milestone in history. Basically, I want to become the Alpha Male of a tribe of Chimpanzees in the Congo. 

Now you're probably thinking that I've either watched one too many Planet of the Apes films, or that I'm just plain crazy, but think of the historical significance such an accomplishment would hold! Not to mention the scientific interest. Rest assured, I know it would be no easy feat, but I've pretty much got it figured out. 

There are only 2 possible ways I can think of going about this:

1. Move My Way up the Grooming Line.

Near as I can tell, a large part of Chimpanzee social interaction and status depends on an individual's ability to groom another chimp. When grooming begins, entire line-ups of chimps can form in which each tends to the other chimp's needs. From what I understand, the chimp on the end who is grooming but not being groomed is of lowest status, and the chimp at the front who is being groomed but not doing any grooming is of highest status.
All I have to do is join a group and take my place at the end, move my way up through the line until I am at the front. This approach is more time-consuming, but I believe it is safest and would form the most stable trust between the chimps and myself, which would be invaluable in maintaining my control over the community.


2. Defeat the Current Alpha Male in a Fight to the Death.

This one is far more risky, and I'm not even sure it would work. But the idea is to enter the tribe of monkeys, identify the alpha, and in a grand display of finesse, agility, and brute strength, kill him with the majority of the community as my witness. I would need years of strength and combat training to even attempt it, and even then, after killing the alpha, there's a big chance the chimps would just revert to a second-in-command, and kill me on the spot. They would most likely see my attack as an attack on the group rather than the one, so I am not in favor of this idea at all.

So there you have it. The 2 best ideas I could come up with.

There is, of course, a chance that I could die on the way to the monkey tribe. I could be eaten alive by animals, or cannibals. But then, maybe that's another way to go about this. I could start small, you know, on the outskirts of the Congo. Take over a tribe of Parakeets or something. Move a bit further inland and take over a pack of Hyenas, move a bit further inland, take over a tribe of cannibals, and so on. Either way, the journey would be a dangerously exciting one. Putting myself at the elements of nature where no mistake goes un-punished. The reward, however, would be immense. A permanent place in history, the personal achievement of surviving the wild, and the love and respect of 50 or so Chimpanzees. They are our brothers, after all. I think it's time we reach out and integrate our two cultures. I'm sure there is much we could learn from one another.